5 Things Your Daughter Should Know About Chasing Boys
There are certain things in life worth waiting for.
A really awesome guy is one of them.
Unfortunately, our world has devalued the art of waiting. We want our heart’s desire now. And for teenage girls eager to fall in love, that eagerness can get the best of them. They may chase the boys they like instead of waiting for the right boys to chase them – and then wonder why their relationships are empty, short, and shallow.
If you have a daughter, it may frustrate you to see the new breed of aggressive females being cultivated and encouraged by our society. They are bold and forward in interacting with the opposite sex. They text boys constantly and seek attention in all the wrong ways.
The world tells girls it’s empowering to take charge and make advances, but I believe it hurts them. It can lead girls to lower their standards and behave in ways that make them look bad and, ultimately, feel bad about themselves.
In addition, chasing boys often makes boys run the other way. As many boy moms can attest, their sons lose interest when a girl is pushy or constantly checking in. They don’t like it and usually aren’t sure what to do with the excessive attention.
If you hope for your daughter to buck the trend of girls chasing boys, here are five talking points to start the conversation.
1. You were made to chase your dreams, not boys. You are so talented, and you were made for a purpose. You are smart, energetic, and equipped to change the world with your God-given gifts.
Rather than make a boy the center of your universe, keep God at the center. Listen to His call and pursue the passions He plants in your heart. The right boy will show up at the right time. God will make sure of that.
You don’t need a boyfriend to make your life great. You build a great life for yourself by cultivating strong relationships with family and friends, developing your potential, and living out your God-given purpose.
When you find fulfillment before a boy ever enters the picture, you become the kind of girl who lives with such joy and peace that the right guys inevitably take notice and think, “Wow. She’s cool. I want to know her better. I want more of what she has.”
2. The way a relationship begins sets the tone. So if you start in role reversal, catching your heart’s desire by chasing him, expect to continue taking the lead. A boyfriend who had to be hunted down is very unlikely to court you, plan special dates, and initiate contact. Rather than being smitten, he’ll probably be passive and lukewarm in his feelings toward you.
Girls often complain about boys being lazy daters, but in this day and age, they can be lazy. Why ask girls out when girls will ask them? Why make dinner reservations when your girlfriend agrees to meet up with friends and count it as a “date”?
If you want a boy to court you, let him work a little. Set reasonable standards that require some effort. If he wants a date, have him pick you up and meet your parents. If he waits until Friday afternoon to ask you out for Friday night, keep your plans with friends and suggest he plan ahead next time.
Am I saying it’s wrong to speak or interact with boys? Of course not. I think it is fine to initiate conversation, smile, make eye contact, and express enough interest to let a boy know you’re interested once you’re of dating age. If he calls first, call him back. If he texts you, text him back. But don’t be desperate or make the common mistake of building your life around a boy. Besides hurting your relationship, it holds you back from achieving your own goals and pursuing your interests.
A guy worth having will rise to the challenge. He’ll figure out quickly how to improve his chances with you and find ways to spend time together.
3. Chasing boys might capture their attention, but it won’t capture their heart. God created you to guard your heart, not freely give it away to every boy who comes and goes. Chasing boys might make them notice you, but it won’t make them love you. It might lead to dates, but probably not healthy long-term relationships.
God wired boys to be the pursuer, not the pursued. He wants them to take the lead because it cultivates them into young men and prepares them for their future role as husbands, providers, and leaders of the home. You aren’t doing boys a favor by taking the risk of rejection off them; if anything; you’re depriving them of an experience that helps them grow up and mature.
There is something attractive and desirable to a boy about a girl who is humble and confident yet not overly aggressive. That is the kind of girl the good guys – the protectors, not the predators – are most likely to be interested in.
4. The best way to approach boys is as potential friends, not potential boyfriends. My goal with my daughters is to teach them how to be good friends with boys. If they master the art of friendship with the opposite sex, I believe the right romances will follow.
In dating and marriage, friendship is essential. It’s the glue that holds a couple together when times get hard or when the fireworks fade. When chasing boys, girls skip over friendship and plunge straight into passion. But passion without friendship won’t last. Passion without friendship makes a girl (and a guy) easy to replace once the excitement dies down.
Seeing boys as prizes to be won – rather than friends to be made – makes you feel the need to impress them. And the harder you try to impress someone, the less you are yourself. This makes you come across as fake, and as my husband tells our daughters, who wants to date an imposter? What boy will be interested in dating a girl who isn’t comfortable being herself?
The better approach is to focus on friendship first, even when you have a crush. Let boys see the real you. Friendship offers a safe way to get to know each other, and if a chemistry does exists, the romance can evolve naturally from there.
5. The right guy won’t need to be chased. Give it time and he’ll come after you. Right now, God is working on you and your peers. He’s orchestrating big changes from one birthday to the next, giving you big bodies, big emotions, and big thoughts to grow into. The teen years bring major transformation, and if you compare a 13-year-old with an 18-year-old, you’ll notice how much can happen in a relatively short time.
The boy you’ll eventually date or marry may not be ready for you yet. You may not be ready for him. Only time and maturity can bring you both to a place where you’re ready to give your heart fully and jump into a serious relationship.
In the meantime, have fun. Develop strong friendships with boys who make you laugh and feel good about yourself. Surround yourself with people who bring out your best, and bring out the best in others. Most importantly, grow your relationship with God. Get to know Him so well that when the right guy comes along, you’ll recognize God’s voice telling you this is the guy worth waiting for.
As for us parents, let’s recognize the trends of today’s dating scene and understand how hard it may be for girls to wait for boys when it seems like all the girls getting dates do not.
Our daughters are better than the lifestyle this world ubiquitously pushes on them. They shouldn’t have to compromise their values to win a boy over. And what every girl must believe is that she is worth the wait. She is a great catch. She has a lot to offer to anyone smart enough to notice.
In matters of the heart, patience pays off. My prayer for my daughters and yours is that they learn to love their lives regardless of what their love lives bring. The guys worth knowing will show up at the right time, and until that day comes, there’s still plenty of fun to be had, dreams to be chased, and friendships to be made.
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Posted by Kari on October 11, 2016
beautiful thank you.
Thank you, Alejandra:)
Thank you so much! This was a great encouraging article. I am so glad i came across this 1. God bless you.
This is AMAZING. Everything I wanted to tell my teenage daughter in the exact right words. A mom can see other girls behaving a certain way and wonder “Are we approching this wrong for today’s world?” Sending this to my daughter to bookmark and read whenever she starts to doubt what she feels.
My 14-year-old daughter aggressively pursues boys. I don’t understand it, because we haven’t raised her that way. She’s homeschooled, and we are constantly talking about these issues, reading scripture, and going through Christian books on relationships. We have set up boundaries between her and boys and we’ve painstakingly explained *why* we have those boundaries. We have restrictions on technology (she doesn’t even have a phone), but she is still trying to hide her communication with boys from us, even though we’ve told her that she can be friends in groups with boys, but no private conversations that could foster intimacy. She hasn’t communicated anything sexual in nature, but she is flirty and if she likes a boy, she tells him. Over. And over. I’ve explained that it’s normal to have a crush on a boy, but she doesn’t need to let him know! Right now, she likes two boys and she’s told both of them and is always trying to find ways to see them by inviting them to various events. When I try to talk to her about it, she denies it. She doesn’t see (or claims not to see) how aggressive and flirty her behavior is. Conversation seems to have gotten us nowhere. If this is how she is when she’s 14, what will she be like when she’s 16?
I don’t think I’ve read something more helpful than this. This has made me cry. Thank you so so much 🙂
Reading this after almost an year and the magic just doesn’t gets less. So much love to you for writing this and impacting us so much ♥️
Wow i love this! Such good information Thank you. I am wondering, since teens process information better when we ask them questions as it helps them think through things and why they’re making certain decisions, how we could reframe these thoughts into questions?
(My teen daughter is also a pursuer of boys and I’ve tried to talk to her about all the things. (Which was me doing most of the talking!) 😬. And although i know she interacted in discussion im not sure she ‘hears’ me cuz there is something in her that is still continuing to be the pursuer. There are some lies she’s believing about herself, God, boys… We’ve all got blind spots!!
Anyhow any questions we could ask to help them reframe their thinking would be wonderful ❤️❤️❤️ thank you
Read this with my daughter! This is God sent. Thank
You for sharing this. It’s exactly what i want to say to my daughter. God bless you more.
Wow praise God For His anointing and blessings through such beautiful wisdom shared.. I am a Pastor mum and I love my daughters very much and daily I pray for God fearing, loving Partners to come into their lives.. God bless you for sharing… We call those wonderful amazing faithful loving partners in to our families.. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord Joshua 24v15
God bless your beautiful soul Kari. I would love more of your work cos I’m a mentor to teenage girls and a teen minister in my local assembly, also a grandmom to two young girls, a pre-teen and a little one.
This piece is very deep, thanks.
Love it! I share it with my teen daughter and she was receptive. Great information explained in a great way
I love this so much and God most definitely sent this for me to read because I feel way better about experiencing life and my feelings..