Let me start by assuring you that I get it. We all get it. There isn’t a female on this planet who hasn’t felt what you’re feeling toward your mother in some form or fashion.
I don’t know the story behind your argument, but it doesn’t matter. What does matters is that you and a very important woman in your life have locked horns, and the tension may not subside without work from both of you.
I once learned in a college psychology class that being in a certain state of mind jogs memories of other times you were in that same state of mind. So when you’re happy, you recall other times you were happy. And when you’re mad at your mother…well, it probably calls to mind every fight you’ve ever had.
Maybe you feel this way. Maybe your mind has blocked every good memory of your mom – the nice things she’s done, the fun you’ve had, the sacrifices she’s made – and all you feel is anger or distrust. If so, remember the good moments too. Don’t be deceived into thinking your mom is your biggest enemy.
One struggle for parents of teenagers is knowing whether we’re being too strict or too lenient.
After all, we all know adults who don’t talk to their parents (or who went buck wild in college) because their parents were insanely strict. We also know adults whose lives became train wrecks because nobody ever put on the brakes.
Today’s trend of “buddy parenting” is largely a response to the authoritarian parenting that our generation grew up with. While our parents’ generation generally had more control, there wasn’t always a strong emotional connection, and today’s parents desire more connection and closeness.
To keep open communication, many parents lean toward permissiveness. This keeps their teens talking and deters sneaky behavior since too many rules will lead kids to lie. Connection and closeness are good – but not at the expense of necessary rules. As Nashville counselor Sissy Goff says, having our teens respect us is more important than having our teens like us.
“We’ve all heard the old sayings that rules without relationship lead to rebellion,” she says, “but we’d like to add that relationship without rules leads to kids feeling too much power and a lack of safety. The goal is to work toward having rules and relationship in place, and to parent consistently with both.”
Teenagers have plenty of buddies, Goff adds, but only one set of parents. When we “buddy parent,” we lose their respect and set them up to feel insecure.
Being too permissive also hurts our teens as positive influences pull away and the wilder crowd gravitates to them.
A group of teenage girls on a Christian retreat were taken to a mountaintop and told to listen to their fathers.
One at a time, they were blindfolded and told what steps to take. Since cliffs were nearby, they had to walk slowly and deliberately.
Each blindfolded girl was told to listen to her dad. Her dad was instructed to speak softer and softer until his voice became a whisper. Meanwhile, the girls watching were told to gradually get louder and louder to drown out the father’s voice. After several steps, each blindfolded girl would panic as she asked, “Daddy, where do I go? I can’t hear you!” because the noise was too loud.
As her peers screamed louder, her father’s voice was lost.
I love this exercise and its application to listening to God. For teenagers, who constantly get bombarded by outside voices, tuning in to God’s quiet whispers can make a huge difference in where they end up. It can protect them and steer them away from nearby cliffs.
Adolescence is a time of dangerous new territory. To blindly let our daughters loose without any instruction would be irresponsible. Unlike us, they haven’t lived long enough to see tragedies. They don’t know what can happen from a seemingly harmless choice. They don’t believe us when we share stories of potentially fatal outcomes.
We can’t always save them, but we can prepare them for treacherous terrain. Here are critical conversations to get you started.
Friends, raising teens is hard, and sometimes parents feel desperate – certain their child needs help, yet uncertain of where to turn. Some organizations prey on this, and many “rehabilitation centers” for troubled teens present a good facade and then abuse their teens behind closed doors. Even Paris Hilton recently revealed the abuse she suffered at a boarding school for troubled teens. Years ago my friend Sue Scheff walked through a nightmare with her daughter, and in the aftermath she founded helpyourteens.com. Sue is a nationally known parenting advocate who has helped more than 50,000 families, and it’s my honor to share her story and the guidance she can provide.